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Finding Strength in Trust and Forgiveness
What if a betrayal could shatter your world but also lead to profound personal growth? This episode of Just the Two of Us tackles the heart-wrenching journey of rebuilding trust after betrayal. Join Zach, Antoine, Alyssa, and Jay as they bravely share personal stories, including Zach's college heartbreak and Jay's reflections on the enduring scars of broken trust. By opening up about their experiences, they invite you to reflect on your own encounters with betrayal, offering insight into navigating the tumultuous path to healing and the emotional complexities that come with it.
Feelings for someone already committed, mixed signals, and the pain of unmet expectations—these are just a few elements that make romantic relationships so challenging. Antoine shares his own struggles with heartbreak, self-doubt, and the impact of trying to be the "good guy." Our conversation unpacks the importance of setting emotional boundaries, recognizing red flags, and understanding how these dynamics can affect one's mental health. These candid discussions provide a roadmap for protecting yourself from further emotional turmoil and maintaining a sense of self-worth.
Despite the sting of betrayal, love remains a resilient force. We explore the significance of embracing love with an open heart and the necessity of setting boundaries to prevent repeating past mistakes. Our stories emphasize self-reflection and self-love, acknowledging how upbringing shapes our partner choices and the urge to "save" others. By focusing on personal growth and learning to trust ourselves again, we encourage listeners to stand firm in their boundaries, love deeply, and appreciate life's journey, complete with its lessons and opportunities for growth.
Hey you guys, welcome to Just the Two of Us. It is your broadcast host, mr Zach. So I want you to relax, put your feet up, grab you a glass of wine and a snack, because you are tuning into my broadcast. See you later. Hello, it is your boy, mr Zachary Wham. Mr Zachary, on his one to two. You are listening to just the two of us. C-04. We are back once again, episode two y'all. How y'all doing today. How is y'all mental health? Like I said, I have. I'm sitting here with my co-hosts. They have been warming their seat up. They have definitely been speaking their minds, so let me introduce them. He is my best friend. I have known him for a good minute. He is kind of smart, intelligent and he's single. Antoine, how you doing today?
Speaker 2:Hold up. I think we need to redo that. I am smart and intelligent, so I'm doing good.
Speaker 1:Now I am sitting here with my girl. She is a poet, she is a college student and girl. She was speaking her mind. She warmed her seat up and she got more for y'all in tune in the future, Alyssa, how you doing today, girl.
Speaker 4:Tired, but definitely good.
Speaker 1:All right, girl, we both tired, girl, we both tired. And not least, he is the bouncing dry-headed friend I have. He likes to twerk, he likes to movie shake. And he is again my frat brother Again. Y'all love him, y'all miss him, Y'all want to hear more about him. Jay, what's up, jay?
Speaker 3:What is doing, baby? What is it doing? I'm doing well. I am doing well.
Speaker 1:You're doing well, I am doing well, welcome. I appreciate all y'all coming back on here again for episode two, and today we are going to talk about rebuilding trust after betrayal. And my first question for y'all what does betrayal means to to you and how does it personally define you?
Speaker 4:For me, the act of betrayal is when someone you love and trust knowingly does something to hurt or undermine, or in other words, you know I'm trying to think of another word for hurt but cause you pain, emotional, physical, any kind. Okay.
Speaker 1:What about you, Jay?
Speaker 3:For me, betrayal means just, oh God, it's a really deep cut, hurt, and I don't know. It's so hard to define it. It's just like such a broken trust. I feel like. It has you reminiscing, it has you thinking what went wrong? Where do things go wrong? At what point?
Speaker 1:Okay, what about you, antoine?
Speaker 2:Um well, so to me, betrayal is just being stabbed in the back. Plain and simple, like I mean, that's the best argument. Just stab me in the back if I told you something because I'm trusting you, and you just turn around and just like, oh, it's whatever. And you just went behind my back and did exactly what I told you not to do.
Speaker 1:I feel betrayed okay, so and so for me and I'm gonna piggyback off Antoine said betrayal is for me that we I'm going to piggyback off Antoine's saying betrayal is for me that we can never be cool again Once I trust in you, secret information or poor information. I didn't want anybody here and I just told you, because I trust you, we can no longer be friends, boyfriend, girlfriend, family members because you broke my trust. How can I trust you after this?
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:So have you ever experienced a situation when trust has been broken, and how did it impact you emotionally and mentally?
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, absolutely, yeah, absolutely, yeah, okay, go ahead. Um, so I've definitely had experienced a situation where, you know, trust was broken and it impacted me very emotionally, immensely, immensely. And I would say this probably was like the first time like I felt, like I actually like betrayed him. It was like damn, like a stab in the little heart. So I had been dating. I was in college now at the time. I had been dating this guy on and off for about like three years, I think I honestly like four years, since I got in college, my freshman year, boom bam, they're a little older than me, they're already finished college and everything. So you know, things are good, nothing really bad, you know. And so I will never forget. I want to say it was, I think it was my junior year and, um, I get this text in the middle of the day at the class and they were like how do you feel about marriage?
Speaker 2:and so I was like oh, okay, random.
Speaker 3:But I was like, yeah, I was like, well, everybody will. I feel like everybody, you know, ultimately, know, ultimately they will want that, especially if they're in a relationship. I said I'm pretty sure that's something they would look forward to. So he's like, okay, good, he's like I just wanted to make sure and everything. I was like okay, so you know, I didn't say nothing else. He didn't say nothing else. I get to thinking'm like what the hell are you talking about? I was like uh, why do you ask me that? So he was just like I just wanted to dig into your brain or something like that, some bullshit child. I said, okay, now, y'all, I should have had my wine glass for this one.
Speaker 3:This man then goes on Now, y'all, I should have had my wine glass for this one. This man then goes on to tell me and type this little message out, to try to be just the sweetest and cutest thing. Anyway, he's talking about some. The reason I asked and I don't want you to feel any type of way is because I'm getting married. I said huh, and I said to who? Look the way I choked up on that word. I said to who? This man Talk about something. Well, I didn't know how to tell you, and all this, this and that, but apparently he had been like dating this girl from the church, by the way, from the church, and I was like well, how long y'all been? Wait a minute. No, no, this is what he told me now. He said it just kind of happened how do you get engaged? Just happened, bitch, like, come on now.
Speaker 4:He just fell onto his knees. You know, with a ring in his hand he just fell, you know. Yes, sir.
Speaker 1:Now that I'm about to answer the question.
Speaker 3:Girl man. I was like I said sir. I said no baby to get engaged, especially in a church-like type of situation. Y'all know each other like that. I know for sure y'all have been talking for a hot little minute.
Speaker 1:Not a hot little minute A hot little minute.
Speaker 3:So, I'm just like when I tell you I am baffled and lost, my head is spinning. I'm in my damn dorm, I'm pacing the room. My roommate like you. Good, I'm saying no, I'm not good, I'm not good, I'm going through a crisis. It's like I'm just trying to wrap my head around this man. I'm thinking he about to propose to me. He's already engaged.
Speaker 1:I was like what the fuck.
Speaker 3:I was like, well, when's the fucking wedding In two months? I was like, get the fuck off my phone. I was like, oh, my phone. I was like, oh my God. I said I know this man ain't playing my face like that, Like you took the whole time four years. Now four years, and the first day I made sure I was like you're not dating nobody, you're not talking to nobody, no, I'm not talking to nobody Dating nobody, Okay, cool. So if you was dating nobody talking to nobody, what happened?
Speaker 4:The way I would end up in jail, the way I would wake up with his blood on my hands and be like I don't remember what happened.
Speaker 3:It was crazy I was just like I I think I I texted, I called him and I said you're a bitch. I was like you're a bitch for this. Y'all are like you're a bitch for this one. And I hung up. I was just like what?
Speaker 1:Listen, I'm telling you like, listen, that is another conversation. We could go down that threshold. So my sis, sis, what about you?
Speaker 4:um well, uh, if we're going in romance directions, uh, has to be my senior year um of high school boyfriend. We were friends for two years and he was actually the best friend of my ex from sophomore year, right hold on who when we broke up, started like actively harassing me and it got to the point where he graduated early because nobody liked him, because of how he treated me and the best and this best friend who, uh, we're gonna call hot sauce because inside joke if he ever listens.
Speaker 4:If he ever listens, so hot sauce, you know. He immediately cuts ties with him, reaches out and is like yo, are you good and we become friends. Right, and my senior year. I post a little thing on my Instagram note being like I need someone to take me out on a date, and this man asks me OK, we go to the fair and we have a, we have a great time and we date for around six months. My birthday is in March, right? Um, my 18th birthday was in was in two weeks when this happened and prom was the next week. I had been talking to him about it being like oh, you know, is this? Are you okay with this? Like just trying to make plans, right? I get a text on a Tuesday at seven o'clock in the PM, 7 PM, that read hey, this isn't working out. I don't want to get into why, but it's just not. I'll return your stuff whenever this is goodbye, hold on, girl. It gets worse, okay? So I effectively break down, right.
Speaker 4:So, a couple of days later I sent him an Instagram DM and I go look, if you wanted to break up, that's fine. I'm not mad about that, I'm mad about the way you did it right and I go into this long paragraph.
Speaker 4:Man left me on red and then logged on to his dog's instagram account to unfollow me his dog's instagram account. But hold on, I won. Hold on, I won. His mama reaches out to me and goes okay, I go yeah, I didn't talk to her about it and we still talk. She sends me care packages. Oh, that's nice she sends me photos of his dog. Let me tell you something like. I'm over here waiting for for my, for the wedding invitation for his uh, mom and stepdad.
Speaker 1:I'm waiting on that, not even gonna lie, okay I'm just, I'm just shocked that he went on his instagram.
Speaker 4:Don't instagram, follow you like the commitment, you would think I did something vile, right and we're talking about all of this. He had just met my childhood best friend, like in person she. She drove up to see me and I introduced them and he literally said like last thing he said to me in person was I love you that's how he's happy.
Speaker 4:It's crazy the gas lighting the gas lighting and the switch up is crazy and, like his mom, had to reach out and be like yo. Um, I think he's been feeling this way for a while and and I'm like he didn't tell me, he didn't seem to be like yo, maybe this isn't working out. And then, after you know, after I processed a lot of it, I realized that I was so mad at him for not talking to me about it and the fact that I lost my friend. I was so mad about that.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 4:I was like we could have been friends. There was no need. I was I'm mad now girl. You should have kidnapped the dog me and jay me and jay going going to do some playing.
Speaker 1:I am definitely on the instagram part. He's so committed. I'm following his uh, um, ps, um antoine's coming right back, so we're gonna move right along. Oh, oh me, oh, my bad, me, me, me. That's what I'm saying. So, for me, oh gosh, oh God. So those who don't know, if you have been listening to season one, two, three, one, two and three, I'll tell you that I was hooked.
Speaker 2:Hmm, um.
Speaker 3:Lowdown dirty hoe.
Speaker 1:Bitch, don't flip me, but I used to play people Like I would have you, Jack. It's like I had one person like Jack A, Jack B, Jack with the slick back hair, Jack with the dreads, like something like that too. Yes, Girl, I talk about girl. Girl, I was a hoe and, and you know when people say, don't get caught up in your feelings.
Speaker 1:Only you have your souls and this one person and still today, I don't know how he's doing he does listen to my broadcast. I just kept feelings, I just kept feelings. And the more we started hanging out and I got to get to know him, it'd be like damn, I'm playing you. Huh, yeah I was like I have to be and in the back of my head, like damn, like damn. Bro, I'm playing you. But I have feelings for you, but I just can't drop All my niggas just for you.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 1:Cause. Remind you, I said remind you, remind y'all, he have a girlfriend and he's with DL.
Speaker 3:Um, never works out, we gotta leave with DL.
Speaker 1:Never works out, we got to leave the DLs I said you got to leave him alone.
Speaker 3:Leave him alone.
Speaker 1:And I catch. I talk about I catch feelings when he's done, Like we can't do this no more, like you, you getting too emotionally attached, Like we just can't do it. I talk about I boo-hoo cry, I boo-hoo cry until I can't cry no more, until I fall asleep Because I thought this nigga was the shit. The way how he had me like I was his main bitch, Like like I was his, his partner.
Speaker 1:You know he would take me out, just go for drinks, go shopping, Mind you, his girlfriend do not know he was DL.
Speaker 3:Poor stinker.
Speaker 1:Poor stinker too Poor stinker. Supposeder too poor stinker.
Speaker 1:I suppose his ass down the line, though, but that I felt, I felt betrayal, and then, like I still be a hoe. After that, though, I bounce back, I still be a hoe, I still be a hoe, but my, my thing is to y'all is if you want to play that game, please do not. Do not get your feelings involved. Now, antoine, you back with us. Yeah, I'm ever experienced a situation where you truly was broken. How did it impact you emotionally and mentally? That was the question.
Speaker 2:Oh, okay, sadly, it's been plenty of times.
Speaker 1:We know.
Speaker 2:I've been, of course, yes, you know, but yeah, plenty of times I've been broken emotionally in situations I'll say one time it wasn't the first time, but there was a time.
Speaker 2:I can't remember which situation it was, which number, but it was kind of one of the early ones. But that was the one that probably hurt me the most because it sent me down a path of deep depression and just a lot of questioning, wondering what am I doing wrong or something, and especially when you feel like for me you're trying to check all the boxes, of being like a quote-unquote good guy and it's like you would think, okay, based off what women are always saying, what they want the guy, if I'm checking these boxes, why don't you want me?
Speaker 2:or whatever? And I started lacking, doubt myself and thinking like, well dang, am I not doing enough? Not doing enough, and then, you know, started doing my you know myself harshly. And so it got to the point where I realized, like you know, usually not everybody's cup of tea and I had to go through that pain, heal from it. It took a minute. You know, sometimes it still comes back, you think about it and question stuff, and one of the things could have been different if I've done something different, but it is what it is.
Speaker 2:And I guess now, when I go situations it's like I feel like I'm talking to someone, like, um, a recent one I had, I'm talking to someone and I was trying to play cool, not bring up anything emotional wise, and so she started making it seem like, oh, she was into me but I'm not into her. So then I started to, you know, confess that, well, no, I actually do like you. And then all of a sudden, she switched up. Once I admit that I had feelings or whatever, and that got annoying because it was so confusing. I was like, well, dang okay. So at first she was saying that you didn't know how I felt about you, which is why you were acting distant. But then, the moment we had the conversation got real, I told you how I feel about you. Now I'm saying you shouldn't pull away.
Speaker 2:But then I started pulling away again, just like, okay, well, I guess we're just friends or whatever. Then you started holding that up over my head like, but you know you be talking to other girls or whatever. And you know, know stuff like that. And I'm confused. Now I'm like, well, what are you going to do? Like, do you like me or not? You just want to be friends, or what? And then it got to the point where I tried to like you know, I figured, well, we'll try to date. And then you know, we're already friends, we try, you know, start, you know going on dates and kind of romantic stuff. I wanted to find some guy that she claimed was just a friend of hers or whatever. He surprisingly, surprisingly after meeting her, got into like a little argument or whatever.
Speaker 2:Also now I see her all in dates with this guy, but all before it's like oh, he's a friend, I ain't worried about him, I ain't worried about him, Blah, blah, blah, X, Y and Z. Now I see this guy buying you flowers and you post stuff on social media Facebook or whatever and I'm just like that's why I kind of just didn't know the whole dating thing, because there's always like just seeing somebody else in the picture and I guess now my whole mindset towards it is like I just don't care.
Speaker 1:Once I see like a sign, something iffy, I just fall back and just fall in the picture, okay, okay, I can definitely go into the next question on top of that one. What you just said, and do you believe that trust, once broken, can be restored? Why or why not?
Speaker 2:Well, personally, I try to be a faithful person, so I do think, depending on the severity of the situation, trust can be restored, but it is going to take time and some apologies and some acknowledgement of why your trust was broken in the first place.
Speaker 1:Okay, what about you, jay?
Speaker 3:It depends, honestly, for me it depends on the situation. Literally it depends on. Honestly, for me it depends on the situation, literally, like it depends on the situation and like, are we like, is this like the person I'm just dating? You know I've been dating or is this person I like I've been in a relationship with for like months, like year, you know? But even it just depends literally. It just depends on literally. It just depends on how bad you and that other person do care for each other and if you truly see a future together with each other. If one party doesn't see it, then don't even try it, baby.
Speaker 1:What about you, Melissa?
Speaker 4:No, my answer is no.
Speaker 3:Because, like, I love y'all and I love the way that y'all think, but here's what about you, alyssa? No, my answer is no. My girl said no.
Speaker 4:Because I love y'all and I love the way that y'all think. But here's my thing Betrayal is the intent to hurt. I have accidentally hurt people, but it has never been what I consider a betrayal. It has been a moment of maybe I snapped at them or I said something that they interpreted as hurtful, which, even if I didn't mean to it, still hurt them. So I, of course, I have to apologize. But here's the thing A betrayal is the intent. And if you intend to hurt me, listen, I may not. I may not want you at my table, but I don't want you to starve. So I'm not going to come out and attack you, but don't think I'm ever going to give you a chance to stab me in the back again.
Speaker 2:So no, I don't think it can be rebuilt.
Speaker 4:You have my trust until you break it. And when you break it, don't blame me when you get your hands cut trying to piece it back together.
Speaker 1:Damn, I like that shit. Though she's saying I'm going to let you starve but you can cut your patina. But I'm going to let you starve but you're going to be sitting here and it comes in. That ain't that one I stand for me. I'll agree with Jay. I agree with Jay with this one. It depends on the situation. If it's not too deep, say like when it's like your best friend sleeping with your man, that's fucking betrayal. We can't no longer come back from that.
Speaker 1:Right or like oh, I hit you, my bad, it depends on the situation and see what I get, what she was coming from like once you don't cross that line, because I think we have to realize that people, the way how people think nowadays, it goes on this. People, the way how people think nowadays, it goes on this. Shame on one time. I'ma give you Shame on twice. It's on you. Shame on three. I'm looking like a dumbass. I'm just like why I'm still doing this. Why are we still here? So like how, why I'm still doing this? Why are we still here? How, I don't know, I don't know what are the first steps for somebody to take when trying to rebuild trust in a relationship, whether it's personal or professional.
Speaker 2:First step I'm going to say, first of all, I'm taking both points of view, so it's not a betrayal to me. I think their first step is to first acknowledge what they've done that you know, caused me to lose trust in them, and then come with an apology and I'm talking about a genuine one. So I don't want to hope you get better or something. I didn't mean it like that. It's some kind of bullshit. I want a genuine apology. I'm not going to automatically give you trust from there. I'm going to need some action. You may not get my trust that same day or the same week, maybe even a year or whatever, but I need to see you, you know, put some work in to actually, like you know, get trust back from me. Um and uh, same thing, I think.
Speaker 2:If I was the person who, like, betrayed someone, I think, uh, it's on me to, like you know, put in some effort and acknowledge what I've done wrong and, like, actually try to, you know, take those proper steps to get back to that point. And I have to understand too, it's going to take time. I can't just do one thing and buy some flowers and all of a sudden just look like, oh, you need to stop tripping. That was in the past, like no, it don't matter.
Speaker 2:If it was in the past, it made you feel a certain way and it hurt you. Maybe I made you feel a type of way and it hurt you. Maybe I don't understand, because I didn't go through what you've been through, but what I've done hurt you deeply and I understand that. I'm trying to get your trust back. So I need to be willing to do the necessary things I need to do to try to get your trust back and be willing to put up with the time it may take to like get your trust back so I think those are the first steps.
Speaker 1:Anybody got a different answer.
Speaker 4:Yeah, anybody got a different answer? Yeah, yeah, I do.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I'm here, Come on girl.
Speaker 4:Okay. So when you are rebuilding trust with someone, if you are the person that has done the hurting, you need to understand one of two things. One they do not owe you a goddamn thing.
Speaker 1:They don't owe you forgiveness.
Speaker 4:They don't owe you a chance to listen. They don't owe you forgiveness. They don't owe you to. They don't owe you a chance to listen. They don't owe you closure. They don't owe you anything. And two if they forgive you and if they're even willing to consider some type of relationship with you, you need to understand just how lucky you are. Like this is not. This is not a chance for you to go. Oh well, like this is not. This is not a chance for you to go.
Speaker 3:Oh well, you know I'll just do this thing, you know, but I'll do it less than no, no, no, get your ass down and do it the right way.
Speaker 4:You need a 180. You need whatever it is. You did like he said you know, apologize and all that, but it's the effort. This cannot be, something where it's just effort towards me. You need to better yourself because, like I said, betrayal is all about intent, you know. Have you ever really heard about an accidental betrayal?
Speaker 1:no, and on top of that I'm gonna go a little bit more.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna go a little further, right, I'm gonna go a little further, I feel, because people hurt people, right? So, as you're doing these things, do whatever goes in your mind, the effect that's going to cause, or the ripple. If you did that to a person, do you think about that in that process, even when down to your friendship, or you hurt your about that in that process, like, even when down to like your friendship, or you hurt your friend in that process, do you ever think about that other person before you do it? If if like because I think some people like people how is?
Speaker 2:it this.
Speaker 1:I think some people do not give a damn when they are doing it in the process, and once they realize that you hurt me, I feel like they fuck up. They didn't want to apologize. They didn't want to. I didn't mean to do that. I didn't mean to come off that way. If it didn't mean to come off that way, you already know me. Why do it in the first place? Like, why are we here? Like you've been rocking with me since probably high school, probably college, probably when the dude broke my heart. You know what I went through. You know this type of thing that I go through. Why do in the first place?
Speaker 2:uh, well, I think um okay, oh, and I was thinking, I think, look, going back to our last discussion, you know about social media and, I think, how it affects society.
Speaker 2:Now I think a problem for a lot of people is they only look at stuff from their point of view and also it plays another thing, like you know, you don't realize what they have until it's gone. So it's like they're just looking at how they feel, like, oh, I'm not happy. So it's like they're just looking at how they feel, like, oh, I'm not happy. So it's like, well, I need to go out and find something that's going to make me happy. And then they realize, once they get on the other side, the grass isn't greener. That's when they stop to think and they're like, oh, shoot, all the time I think about myself, I think about the other person and how this person actually helped. That's when they come back around and it's like, okay, now they're going to try to regain their trust and, you know, be a friend again. But initially and at first, they're just only thinking about them and their needs, their wants, and that's fine. So I think it's just that self's mentality of people, okay okay, what about you, jay?
Speaker 3:Boom, I don't even know. I don't know.
Speaker 1:Pray. The best is to pray.
Speaker 3:Pray, just pray, just pray. That's all, that's literally. Sometimes that's all, that's literally. Sometimes that's all, that's all. Sometimes you literally can't do about anything.
Speaker 1:It's just pray. Okay, that's a good answer. I never thought about that. That was a good answer, so let's focus on yourself, right? Okay, I want y'all to just think about this right, mm-hmm. What boundaries do you set when a person has betrayed you for the first time? Are you start seeing patterns of different friends? Doing certain things that you do not like and you tell them what boundaries do you set for them?
Speaker 3:I'd be like just like, hey, I did not like this, it just didn't sit well with me and go ahead and establish those boundaries, like don't let it go on, like that first sign. That's what I've learned that when that first sign has showed up, speak on it, speak on it, address it, okay, and look, this is my ultimatum. I don't care what the white guy say, this is my ultimatum. I see that you're starting to go down a road that I'm just not willing to drive down. Baby, it's bumpy. I just got an alignment. I ain't got time for that.
Speaker 1:This is bumpy. I ain't got time for that. I don't even want to drive to that bitch. I'm going to make a U-turn. Matter of fact, a bit of caution tape there. Why would you go down that road? What about y'all two?
Speaker 4:So for the boundaries part, I think the easiest way um, like jay said, is communication um you just kind of have to sit them down. But I also think if it's someone you care about, it needs to be in a private, a private talk between the two of you, and I think it needs to be face to face.
Speaker 4:I think there needs to be no chance of miscommunication or or any way that it could become this big thing If this is someone you care about and you know them because, I myself, coming from a lot of trauma, um, especially from middle school and high school, from other people, um, I know that I have unhealthy habits, that I have spent years fighting, and my best friends have had to sit me down sometimes and just go hey look, I love you. But that wasn't okay and I've had to accept that and move on. And there've been times where I've had to do that because, especially when you, you know you grow up, when you grow up from trauma, it's hard and so I can respect that a betrayal. I think I don't think there's enough any boundaries in the world that can make it okay, you know, like if someone cheats on you and you go okay, well, you can't have any um girl, uh, female friends. You can't have any like people on your instagram that I don't like. Come on, who has the energy for that?
Speaker 1:I, I don't know. Come on, who has the energy for that? I really don't. Who does?
Speaker 4:Is that the kind of relationship you want for yourself, for your kids, if you had them? Is that the example you want to set? I just I don't know. Okay.
Speaker 1:I'll fuck with it, especially when you said privacy, privacy, that's T, that's T, that's T. What about you, antoine?
Speaker 2:Well, I'd agree with both of them. I think, like Jay said, address it the first time. Let them know, say it on a stern manner hey, look, you know what? That was some bullshit. But don't let it happen again. And then you know have that communication bullshit, um, but don't let it happen again. And then you know, have that communication, like, let's say, in private, so they know it's real.
Speaker 2:And look, I ain't trying to make no show up for anybody else. This is why I noticed this way you need to work on because it's not working right here. And then you know if it's somebody you love and care about, of course, if it happens again, I say you can address it again. After a while you got to make that distance. I'm like, once they start feeling like, well dang, why do I want to come around to much of that? Why do I want to talk to me? And then I'm going to tell you again the reason why. Because that bullshit you still been doing that I told you about before. I don't know you. It's'm going to go over here. That's how I feel about it. And when it comes to being betrayed, I might just go straight to distance. You're not going to hear from me anymore. I'll tell you, I'll give you the courtesy to let you know exactly what happened, and I'm just going to disappear.
Speaker 1:Okay, you said you let them know. Do you think they even deserve a courtesy?
Speaker 2:Well, yeah, I want you to know exactly what's going on Like I don't want to lead a mystery or whatever. I want you to know exactly just how much full of shit you are, and then I'm going to go ahead and go distant, so that way, while you're out there, you know dealing with other people doing whatever you're doing. Like that I want to be permeating on your mind the whole time. That's how much you know. You're a full ship the whole time. So the courtesy is more on my end.
Speaker 1:I mean I can't. Hmm, I feel like if you know what you did, why I should give you the courtesy of that.
Speaker 2:I feel like the thing is a lot of people they know what they did, but they like to play like funny, like they ask dumb questions like what I did or whatever. It's like you know exactly what you did. But sometimes, yeah, so, just so we don't have that old thing out there they think, okay, I'm just going to play dumb, acting like oh, what I did? And they're out thinking they're going to be victim. Oh, this person's laughing. No, I'm going to tell you exactly what you did and what I didn't agree with, and then I'm going to go ahead and disappear. So you don't have a chance to put out there like, oh, you're just this little kind spirit and I just, you know, ghost you out of the blue. No, you know exactly why I disappeared, Because you know some bullshit.
Speaker 1:That's my courtesy. I fuck with that. So here's another question for y'all Are there any situations where it's better to walk away instead of trying to rebuild it? Like trust, like start over? You know set boundaries. How can somebody know when to let go?
Speaker 3:When nothing's changing, baby, when things ain't changing, leave, let go, please, because if you don't, you're just going to keep allowing yourself to get hurt over and over again, baby, and it's just going to be a constant disappointment. You're going to become bitter because you're getting angry at this one person and it's making you this bitter person and you don't want to go through that.
Speaker 1:Okay, okay, go ahead, antoine.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I agree. Once you start getting that feeling, every time the person comes around, it's like he's always going to drain for the most part, and it's always, like you said, it's a constant issue. It's not like I just walk away. That's when you know it's not your work. You want to change like a job when you go to work and it's like you got the same annoying managers and you tell them about the same problems all the time and they want to keep giving you the old, I don't know the corporate excuse for every little thing. Sometimes you got to go. You know what? I ain't giving a two-week notice. I'm just not going to be here tomorrow. I'm gone. That's within your relationship, or citizenship, or employmentship.
Speaker 1:What about you?
Speaker 4:Melissa. Well, whenever you are on, they're receiving end of intentional disrespect.
Speaker 4:Because, someone you love will never, never intentionally, disrespect you. And this can go for friendships, for relationships, because once they, once that pattern is set, my, my Nana, has a saying. She says a broken mirror will always cut you, no matter how much you put it together. So you know, you can't, really, really you can't fix a person you can't make, you can't make them better. And when, when you are on that receiving end, it's just it's, it's just not where you need to be and that's when you need to walk away because, at the end of the day, you are your biggest advocate and at the end of the day, only you can fight for you can you repeat that again because the people in the back can hear you when you said that?
Speaker 4:I said, you are your biggest advocate and at the end of the day, you gotta fight for you.
Speaker 2:Alyssa, I need you to write a book about these sayings you got.
Speaker 3:I'm telling you, I'm telling you.
Speaker 1:I'm telling you, if you rehearse Jen, listen to her thing, you learn some great things about her, even like her words. I could go on and on about her, even her words. I could go on and on and on about this, her words. I don't know Her, I don't know how to describe it. It's so powerful, it's so resilient. It's different. It's she's on her own lane. I'll'll say that she's not like other people out here. She's in her own lane and she know who she is. At the end of the day, she know what she's working with and that's why I love listen, that's why I love her so much about by her individually. So, girl, keep doing you, keep, keep, keep doing you. If nobody tell you that, keep doing you. Keep doing you. If nobody tell you that, keep doing you. So my last question for everybody is what advice would you give somebody who is struggling to trust again after betrayal?
Speaker 3:Shoot first, ask questions later. You can't, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.
Speaker 1:Jay, you want to go. Jay, you want that person to go to jail.
Speaker 3:I'm going to find a way to get out. I'm going to find a way to lie, but what advice would you give to someone who is struggling to trust? Again, healing takes time. Therapy, oh my god, therapy. I love therapy. I gotta get myself back into therapy too, but I love it. Therapy definitely is a good Good thing.
Speaker 1:What about you, alissa?
Speaker 4:I think that love is still out there and that at the end of the day, your heart is going to be battered and bruised and bleeding all over the place, but you are still going to have people willing to hold it like it's the most precious thing in the world, and I think no amount of hurt should ever take that away from you. So you know, you have to believe in the beauty of people. You know, even when you've seen the ugliest, remember that there is, there is good people, there's always good people, and I just think that's the most important thing to remember.
Speaker 2:What about you, my best friend? Well, I think the best advice is, like, you know, don't let that betrayal write the story of your life Like going forward. Don't base everything off of how you've been hurt in the past and, you know, let that just block you from any good stuff that is coming into your life, thinking like, oh, this is going to hurt me because this incident back here hurt me, or whatever. You gotta live life, Love, be happy, be open.
Speaker 1:Okay, and I think just for for me. I think you have to trust your first. Trust yourself first. Right, advocate for yourself first, there for other people. Make sure you make a right decision, not a wrong decision. Also set boundaries, because that person might do it again. If that person do it again, then I blame you individually and I it again, then I blame you individually and I'm just speaking for you. I blame you individually Because you allowed it to happen. You saw the signs. The first time you might not have seen the signs, but the second time you saw the signs. I saw the signs, I saw the signs. But love yourself first.
Speaker 3:Or you can love somebody else.
Speaker 1:Because if you don't love yourself first, how the hell can you love somebody else? What RuPaul always says. Any last remarks From any of y'all three.
Speaker 4:Yeah, oh, no, go on marks from any of y'all three. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Oh no, go on, oh no. I was just about to say. You know, anytime you find yourself in a position you know it's kind of constantly getting betrayed, you do have to like stop and take a moment to look in the mirror and look back at your life and understand, like, what's going on or that got you to keep going to the same situations like, or keep getting put into the same situation, especially when it comes to relationships. Because I have to admit, like I think some people maybe, the way they were raised, growing up, they're probably in a situation where they saw, like a parent, um, you know, being abused or mistreated, and then they grow up, want to be that savior type of person anytime they get into a relationship. So when they meet people, it's like some of them are already drawn to people who are always hurt and they want to save the person and then they end up hurt and repeat the cycle.
Speaker 2:So it's like you've got to take the moment to yourself to ask yourself, like, okay, what problems have I been through? How can I fix these and how can I not try to, you know, feed a cycle? Or be the person always trying to like, fix and save everyone? Because, to be honest with you, that's something I've been through and I think that's part of my problem. Well, I'm glad that you're admitting it First of all, I haven't told you this before.
Speaker 1:Oops, child, you gonna get me on line.
Speaker 3:Now he coming at you.
Speaker 1:We can talk about this after. Go ahead, alyssa. Can you always call me out? You're right, go ahead, alyssa.
Speaker 4:I think my last remark has to be Be the kind of person little you needed.
Speaker 4:Be the kind of person little you needed Be the kind of person that that little kid in you you know would just kind of sit there and talk with and be proud of. And if you're scared of standing up for yourself, remember that there's that little kid who needs you. Remember that it is okay to fail and to get up and try and it's okay to hurt and it's okay to kind of deal with that hurt for as long as you need.
Speaker 1:Because at the end of the day, it's your life, you know and you are the one who gets to decide how it gets lived, jay.
Speaker 3:I'll let you have the last word Me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, wow, such a privilege, jay, I'll let you have the last word me.
Speaker 3:Yeah, wow, such a privilege. Um love, just love, love. Oh, let me hold on. How would I put this love as far as your heart will allow you to, mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:And I'm going to just let that sink in.
Speaker 3:Thank you for everybody for listening.
Speaker 1:Thank you for all my co-hosts, the panel, we on season four, y'all, and we going out for here, season four. Thank y'all. Thank y'all for listening. Thank you for my fans for staying loyal to me and we're going out for here, see y'all. Thank y'all. Thank y'all for listening. Thank you for my fans for staying loyal to me and we're out.
Speaker 3:Bye.
